If that was your dad, he is hot
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
