Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
