He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
