i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it was like having sex with a tree stump
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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