it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
