tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
wanna go halves on a baby?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
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