what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
