just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
