I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
