Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
