I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
