I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
