No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
