i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize