Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
