He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
