I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
