Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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