apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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