Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
