I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
She said her name was "party"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
