cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
