Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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