He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
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