Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
