I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
