I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
