There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
