I can tuck mytits in my pants
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
