The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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