sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
