i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
