I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
