Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
What a dumb baby whore.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
