i already hear my dad disowning me
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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