I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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