Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
