How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
