What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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