im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
