yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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