I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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