Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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