So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
