Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize