oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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