i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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