Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
