Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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