Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
