I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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