i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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