The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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