when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
