I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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