I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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