How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
