woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
