He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
